Still on My Journey

So it is Tuesday August 13th, a day that I refer to as my emotional day!  After the nurse left I knew I needed to get out of that room.  But let's face it; there is nowhere for me to go.  So we did the next best thing...walk the halls or as it probably looked, pace the halls.  Amazingly enough I was able to compose myself before we left the room.  Well that is until we turned the corner and ran into the sea of white lab coats then I burst into tears.  Scott, who was amazing through this whole journey, just pulled me into his arms and held me.  And that was just what I needed.  We then turned the other direction and continued on our stroll.  The nurses we passed were so sweet some asked if I was okay and others just gave a supportive smile.  I became calm again and even laughing a little along our walk, when BAM! We ran into those darn doctors again!  Let me just say that every time we saw them I burst into tears.  I cannot explain why, there was just something that came over me.  Pretty much from the time the doctor let it slip that I was believed to have MS I cried at the sight of more than 2 doctors together.  I mean having 12 doctors all in white lab coats was pretty darn intimidating.  I also blame the lack of sleep for being extra emotional that day.  Ohh and I guess receiving news that your life has changed probably did not help matters either.

Up until I was diagnosed, I had heard of multiple sclerosis, but that was pretty much it.  I knew the name but nothing more.  Flash forward for a second...yep I have done lots of research and know what it is...but that is about all.  There is really not a whole lot out there!

Okay back to my emotional day.  By the time we were done with our walk my lunch arrived.  I told Scott to go down and get his lunch.  He really did not want to leave me, but I made him go.  I told him to fill in our parents and our wonderful neighbor and anyone else that he felt like calling.  I knew he needed a break from all the medical stuff and needed to just get out of the room.  Plus I really needed him to be strong for me right now, because from the looks of me today, I was a basket case!  I am still amazed how strong and supportive he was and still is with all of this.  Not that I ever questioned it, but you really never know until you are faced with the situation.  He truly is my rock!

I think that it was after lunch that the speech therapist came in to evaluate me.  And as soon as she walked in I burst into tears.  Yes this pretty much was the case everything someone walked into my room.  I managed to compose myself and got ready for the hardest "test" yet.  I thought that the speech test was to make sure that I was talking "normal"...nope!  I had to listen to a list of probably 20 words and then repeat them back to her.  I did that about 4 different times.  Then I had to name as many different names I could in about a minute, count backwards from 100 by 4s, find matching shapes on a page (some of these were crazy hard, some of the angles were off by like 2 degrees), and other tests.  Then at the very end, probably 30-45 minutes later she had me repeat the original list.  Apparently speech therapy meant cognitive therapy.  After she left Scott told me he could not have passed some of those "tests".  Later that afternoon she came in and showed me my results...I passed with flying colors.  WooHoo one step closer to leaving!!

So now we have had visits from the three therapists and had lunch, all there is left to do is have my spinal tap... I did tell every nurse and doctor that they were going to need to give me some major happy medicine before that procedure.  I really do not understand why they could not have knocked me out for that.  I mean I really do not want to be awake for that.  Up until tap time Scott and I kept on looking at the clock just waiting.  I also was making him go home after the tap was done.  I told him that our girls needed him to be home with them and he should take them to the open house at their school.  They needed some sort of normalcy right now.  I then told him that he was not getting out of being here before the spinal tap he could leave after it was over.  Well at about 3:00 pm my favorite doctor from the sea of doctors came in to explain the procedure to us.  I must confess I absolutely love this doctor and I am not sure I would let any of the other doctors do the spinal tap.  He said the whole procedure would take about 45 minutes.  Then he gave me my happy medicine and told us to buzz him when I was feeling "loopy".  I am assuming "loopy" is a medical term :) After I took the medicine I just sat there waiting for it to kick in and Scott keep looking at me waiting for me to act weird.  He kept asking me how I felt and I would reply "I feel fine, I think he gave me placebo".  Then I told him we would give it 10 more minutes.  He then made a very good point, "Well that will be 10 minutes longer you are in the hospital".  Yep that was all he needed to say, I buzzed the doctor the next second.

He moved my table over so I would have something to lean on during the procedure.  He explained procedure again to us and assured me that I did not have a placebo.  He asked if I had any questions, I asked him how many tubes of spinal fluid he was going to take?  He told me he was going to take 6 tubes.  Maybe I did not need to ask that question!  After I was in position, my back had to be arched, he started the numbing process.  I do not understand why numbing my back was so painful!  It felt like he was putting fire in my spine.  The numbing process consisted of three shots.  The first one was shallow then the next one was deeper and the last one was deep in my spine.  Each one was more painful than the one before.  I have no idea how long this process took.  Every time I started to talk my doctor told me that I could not talk and that I had to be perfectly still.  So I told Scott to babble to keep my mind off what was going on behind me.  Let's just say I found out that my dear husband did not learn the art of babbling or talking just to hear himself talk.  My doctor then told me it was time to fill the tubes.  This did not go as fast as it does with blood.  Apparently the spinal fluid drips out, kinda like sap from a tree.  Ok that is my little analogy, it may or may not be accurate but it makes sense in my little head.  After the spinal tap was done and I was able to finally sit up and talk, I immediately get the worst head ache.  I found out that is a side effect to the procedure, it is funny how I do not remember hearing about that.  When my nurse came in she told me that the doctor said I did a great job.  I then said to her, "Did you say something about having ice-cream?  I think after that I really need some."  She chuckled and agreed.

After everything was over my mother-in-law, Pat, came in to visit and yes when she walked in I burst into tears.  She then gave me two of the best get well cards ever.  Yes my girls made them and of coarse I am going to say they are the best.

 And yep you guessed it, when she handed me the cards I burst into tears.  I missed my girls so much.  I knew they were in the best hands, but all I wanted was a hug from my two little babies.  I wanted to see them so bad that it made my heart hurt.  As much as I needed to see them I knew today was not the day for them to come.  I was just way too emotional.  They did not need to see me this way.  The wonderful pastor from our church came to visit us also and yes more tears from me.  Well it was time for Scott to go home and spend much needed time with our girls and get some rest.  I reassured him that I would be fine and that his mom was going to stay with me so there was nothing for him to worry about.  Time to finally get some sleep, hopefully!